Whole 30 Round 2

This morning I woke up and had toast as part of breakfast. Not because I was excited about eating something that I hadn't been allowed to eat for 30 days, not because it felt naughty or I deserved it, but because it was convenient and there was nothing else in the house. Did I enjoy it? meh. It was fine, but I reckon I would've preferred sweet potato toast or a big omelette with tonnes of veggies.

(Read about my first Whole 30 experience here.)

I have just completed my second round of The Whole 30 and I'm feeling GOOD. I don't feel incredible, I don't have crazy energy and I don't feel like I'll never eat cake again but I feel good. I'll list said good stuff below, but before I do I just want to re-iterate that this is not a diet and this is not just a quick way to lose weight. As a person who has spent 20 years of her life battling body demons, despising her reflection and treating food like a comfort blanket (a seriously shitty blanket with holes in it) the Whole 30 is teaching me how to have a healthy relationship with food.

• I don't feel bloated and haven't felt bloated all month and this is my favourite W30 benefit. Dang it feels good to know my body is working the way it should!
• I have lost around 5-6lbs.
• I can fit into my clothes much better than 30 days ago.
• This round was much easier than the first.
• I wouldn't say I have "tiger blood" but my energy is definitely up on the whole. 
• My skin is super clear and bright.
• My hair (though still recovering from The Great Bleach Disaster of 2014) looks shiny and healthier. 
• I don't crave sugar. But I would like some. 
• And that brings me onto my next and final point. I am happier. I am less mardy, less grumpy, less emotional and I put this 75% down to the lack of refined sugar in my diet and 25% down to some exciting things happening in my life right now. So, let's talk sugar. 

Last time on my Whole 30, I reintroduced dairy with a milkshake. An ice cream milkshake. WHYYY did I do this? I turned into a sugar-animal, eating all the biscuits in the office and then some and for July & August my diet was a disaster. So this time, I'm simply not reintroducing refined sugar unless I want it so bad, the consequences are worth it. This is what Melissa Hartwig, founder of W30 would call Food Freedom. Something I am pretty keen to find. 

And what consequences am I talking about? Sugar isn't great and we probably know most of the reasons why. But for me, personally, sugar affects my mind so much more than I ever realised it could and though I secretly wished for a physical intolerance to something to make it easier to cut out, I have come to terms with the fact that sugar sends me loopy and makes me a fucking horrible person to be around at times. 

I don't think I can sit here and scream "I've found my food freedom!" but I'm definitely on my way, which is a really positive thought for me moving forward. 

I'm going to do my 3rd round of W30 in November and spend October eating mindfully. If anyone would like to join me (and Bea Marshall too!) then just drop me a message. It's easier with pals and actually, really isn't that hard. If I can do it, sugar addict that I am, you can definitely do it too and hopefully learn a lot about your own body in the process. 

Gina x

What I learned from completing my first Whole 30

No legumes. No dairy. No grains. No alcohol. No sugar. 30 days. 

Sounds like hell right? It did to me too for months before I felt ready to give it a go after being introduced to it by lovely Bea Marshall (life coach and babe friend), but one day it just clicked; I can do this. 

It is probably worth mentioning that the programme is regularly prescribed by health professionals to those with chronic illness, depression and through pregnancy. I would also recommend you carry on reading if you think you have digestive issues, that your gut might be sensitive to something but you don't know what, as all inflammatory food groups are eliminated you can find out what the beastie is when you reintroduce your food groups. 

Today I sit here writing to you on day 31. I only bloody did it! During my Whole 30 journey I wrote in my journal everyday, writing down how I felt physically, mentally and emotionally in myself so I could put it all together, look back and reflect. So here are a few things I learned on my first round of Whole 30.

I'm *nearly* sick of eggs though...

1) There is no one way to experience a Whole 30

Whole 30 have an example timeline of what to expect during the 30 days. I kept revising it to see if I was in sync and at times I was, but at others I was so not! For example, I got the day 2 hangover big time, my head was in agony and I was a pain in the arse. Those sugary treats were just making their way through my system and it hurt. Then there were the, uh, physical consequences of eating whole foods and my digestive system was unhappy right through to around day 12/13 which is a good 6 days later than expected. My energy started to dip in this last week, waking up was a struggle and I don't know why which is frustrating especially since most people rave about their amazing energy. 

2) I love cooking and I'm actually quite good at it

Before I started W30 I was already trying to improve my eating, this involved using my beautiful MagiMix food processor a lot and making food from scratch as much as possible. But Whole 30 demanded my time in the kitchen more than ever. Because of the simple and selective foods I could have, I had to be clever and inventive with my meals, especially if people were coming round for dinner. For me it was all about flavour and I had to make sauces from scratch in batches to keep adding to basic meals throughout the week. Home made mayo, almond butter, pesto, tomato sauce and a compliant aubergine dip that Bea shared with me was a recurring creation. And cumin, turmeric, cayenne pepper and paprika were in my meals more often than not. 

A W30 highlight: Bea made us this amazing brekkie with plantains, sweet potato and omelette 

3) The worst bit was the washing up (mostly)

I have been sat here thinking to myself 'What do I really miss?' and nothing is screaming out to me. Yeah there were a few days where my sugar demons raised their heads and I had to distract myself when things got crazy and yes, at times I ate a couple of compliant dried fruit bars (Nakd) and medjool dates with almond butter as well as a bit too much fruit on occasion but I made it through in one piece and can confidently say now I have zero sugar cravings. And I don't miss cheese. Or Bread. Plus if eating too many grapes is my biggest food issue right now, I think I can relax a little. I drink so much more water now too, I am continuously thirsty for water in fact. I think I miss the convenience of brown rice, quinoa, rye bread and porridge oats rather than the foods themselves. And planning around day trips is a pain in the arse, I actually would love to not have to make my breakfast lunch and dinner all at the same time. But as any food-prep person will tell you, the amount of tupperware in your sink at anyone time...gah! It's the worst bit, especially since I am no domestic goddess. Oh and I also prefer black coffee, who knew?

4) Day 31 is much scarier than day 1

Being so restricted on this programme was weirdly helpful. These aren't guidelines, these are strict rules and you absolutely cannot cheat. I'm talking about that accidental splash of milk in your tea - yep. Start over! So now I'm at the end of the 30 days I feel nervous, like taking the stabilisers off of my bike for the first time. Reintroducing the excluded food groups back into my diet should be an interesting experiment though, seeing if my body doesn't react well to certain things will be enlightening. I know for a fact I haven't been bloated once in the past month which has been wonderful, I wonder what the culprit was beforehand? 

I discovered lots of new foods and ways of eating food on W30, including this soy sauce alternative courtesy of Bea.

5) Yes I have lost weight, but that's not the point*

• After a week my skin brightened considerably. My period came along and fucked shit up halfway through, so I broke out in spots. They've since died down and I'm left with a pretty healthy glow. Foundation free days are common. 
• I need to eat A LOT of food to stay full enough from breakfast to lunch and lunch to dinner. Much more than I thought actually. Which is great - I love eating. 
• My energy didn't erupt into this WOAH "tiger blood" that I was hoping for, but I have definitely felt a rise in my energy levels compared to before W30 except in this last week. I'm still going to bed by 10pm, but I'm up early for the gym so often that I forget that actually it's fine, I'm still a rock star. 
• I have already learned that I don't need alcohol to go out and party, I spent 3 months booze free December- March and didn't have a problem with it (it is more other people that have the problem). But this extra sober month confirmed that for me, the best part of a night out is the dancing, the music and your pals. Plus I love being the envy of every hungover person the next day with my clear head and healthy bank balance. Muahahaa. 
• Having said that I could murder a Prosecco right now (yep its 9am). And just a bit of cheesecake. Just a bit. 

The relationship with my body and with food has been in turmoil for literally two decades.   I never used to understand the phrase "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle" but now, I do. I'm determined to maintain 80/20 paleo eating habits. Of course I'll fail at times, but it's part of the learning curve. I imagine I will be doing them 3 or 4 times a year, next one will be in October as I have too many fun things in August/September. So if I've peaked your interest and you fancy joining me, things are easier with pals so let me know. 

Gina x

PS I did this alongside a strength and conditioning programme called Charlie Mike so if you wanna see what that was all about click here. June was a pretty health conscious month it seems! 

*But I've lost around 10lbs and can fit into so many of my frocks so much better than I did before. Bonus.

Ashley Horner's Charlie Mike programme: Do you even lift?

When my gym buddy Bea asked me if I wanted to complete a 6 week strength and conditioning programme called Charlie Mike, I wasn't sure. Ashley Horner is a badass pro-athlete and she lifts heavy - real heavy. Could I do this? I'm still battling with my weight, learning about my body and I just wasn't sure about the level of fitness or commitment...

Turns out that, not only was I completely capable of finishing this programme, I was capable of totally smashing it in the face. I train down at Be X Fitness in Hillsborough with Bea most weekdays and though it is a small independent gym, it has all the equipment we would need for Charlie Mike. The gym wholeheartedly encourages girls to lift, there's none of this intimidating 'boys only in the weights section' vibe and everyone is incredibly friendly. But it was my workout partner that saw me through this beastly 6 weeks! Bea has been so supportive, motivating and patient with me. I lied to her to get out of a 1 hour run, I cried two or three times during workouts because I felt I was too fat, too unfit or too weak and she stuck with me throughout - what a wonder woman!

The programme is made up of heavy lifting and conditioning circuits. You can follow through with a free app on your phone, so it's super convenient. Each exercise comes with a video too which was a real help at times (What's the difference between a clean and jerk and a barbell thruster again?!) And don't for a second think Charlie Mike is cardio-free zone - oh no! Three rounds of 50 burpees anyone?! 

During the first week you have to find out your 1 Rep Max (how much weight can you lift for a single rep) for bench press, push press, front squat, back squat and deadlift. You also have to run a mile and row 1000 metres as fast as you can. These are the things that you re-test in week 6 so you can see just how much you've improved in 6 short weeks. And today was that eagerly anticipated last day of re-testing!  So here goes....

                    

	WEEK 1	WEEK 6	GAIN
FRONT SQUAT	55kg	65kg	10kg
DEADLIFT	80kg	95kg	15kg
BENCH PRESS	37.5kg	42.5kg	5kg
BACK SQUAT	82.5kg	90kg*	7.5kg
PUSH PRESS	35kg	45kg	10kg
MILE RUN	8:37	8:16	21 seconds
1000M ROW	4:29	4:19	10 seconds

 *Just before my 1RM I pulled something in my lower back and I genuinely think I could have squatted more weight, or at least squatted lower -but hey ho, it is what it is. 

My body is changing shape and I definitely have increased muscle mass. But the main gain from this challenge was the unexpected mental strength I brought to each workout. To keep pushing through those gruelling circuits, to just keep trying to complete wall walks even though I can't do more than one, to add more weight on to the bar because trying and failing is better than not trying at all.  And I haven't even mentioned getting up at 5:45am Mon-Fri for the past 2 months!

So! We have 2 weeks off from lifting heavy, then it's Charlie Mike round 2 - oh yes  we're back on it. I'll be sure to post my new 1RM stats again, just in case you're interested. 

Gina x

PS During this programme I also completed my very first Whole 30 and you can read all about my experience and what I learned here. 

I Don't Want Children

Society expects that one of the main transitions and roles that we should aspire to are to be mothers. The bottom line is, it is a choice and for women, we don’t have to feel like motherhood is a rite of passage that we necessarily have to have.
                                                                           Janet Taylor

This is a subject that has come up in conversation a handful of times recently and frankly, I'm getting frustrated with how people speak to me when they learn that I don't want to be a Mother. I've never felt broody. Often people will say "Aw just look at how cute that little baby is!" and look at me expectantly, waiting for me to coo and agree enthusiastically. Babies are boring, ugly, gross and annoying. There, I said it. 

"Oh you'll change your mind when you're older." 

Ugh! Stop it! Stop telling me what to feel! Stop assuming I'm a baby bomb waiting to go off! Just because I have a functioning set of ovaries does not mean I have to use them and that is my choice. I mentioned this to someone else recently and his retort was "So you're going to be a crazy cat lady instead!" Fuming doesn't cover it. So I won't be well traveled? Or successful in my chosen career? Or have a wonderful wide social circle? (Now, of course, I am sure you can be parents and have all those things too, but I hope my point comes across). I am no less of a woman for not pursuing Motherhood than those who decide to start a family.

(titter)

Family doesn't mean a huge amount to me - wait before you kick off- I absolutely adore my Mum and she has been the most wonderfully supportive figure in my life. However, I don't believe having a family is important and you don't have to love or like them. My Dad didn't want me as far as I can see, and he hasn't bothered to invest in me as a person even to this day.  Essentially, what I'm saying is that I would hate to do that to my own child, I'd hate to be a disappointment. 

There's every chance that the above reflects on my selfish nature and I can't ever see myself being in a position where it will change. Children demand an overwhelming amount of your attention, patience, time, energy and money and I just don't want to part with any of those things if I'm honest. It's funny, just then, I was about to apologise for that statement, but why should I? 

I just don't think I'd be any good at it anyway. I'm disgustingly disorganised, a little lazy and favour my own company. Not a great combination of personality traits for parenthood! I'm very confident in my decision to remain child-less  but I suppose the only fear I have is that I have fucked up my chances of finding a lovely man to build a relationship with. I don't want to have kids but I also don't want to be single for the rest of my life! Finding a guy who also doesn't want children appears to be rather tricky, though I'd happily date a guy who already has a family (sup single Dads) as I imagine there isn't quite the same level of commitment involved. And I wouldn't have to push a human out of my vagina. Ugh. 

So this brings me to another point. It has always bothered me that I have this hospitable uterus and it's likely that it will never be used. So this year I have been doing my research into egg donation and when I have the time to do so, I would very much like to help another family who are unable to have children. It's a very intense process, involving up to 10-12 clinic visits, so the time isn't quite right for me just yet. And yes, I'm aware that some kid could come and find me in 18 years, but hey, I'll handle that when the time comes. 

Hey, maybe I will change my mind one day. Perhaps I'll fall in love and want to give that man a child. I cannot say I will never have kids, but please do not tell me I will "change my mind", or when I say I don't like children don't tell me "it's different when you have your own." Just accept that I don't fit the social norm, respect my decision and move on. 

About that trip to California

Vine is an incredible app. Using six second videos as a platform for your talents and skills allows you to connect with a very wide audience. But not just any old audience, these people are almost desperate to interact with one another. Where a business or band may really struggle to gain any “engagements” on Facebook, on Vine people are so connected and supportive that creatives flourish. People have signed record deals, acting contracts, are promoting products and are even selling their own books and jewelry. However, there’s an underbelly to Vine. Connections are now, more often, made privately and you don’t really know about it until two “viners” are in the same video. That’s when the app kicks off. “Oh my GOD YOU TWO ARE TOGETHER??!” It's incredibly voyeuristic, after all, only 5% of Vine’s users actively create content, the rest just watch.

So one day, MATTA_TAT revined (retweeted, if you like) a handsome, bearded guy called Ronald (I have changed his name for this blog post). The natural thing to do was to immediately stalk the guy, go through his feed, try and figure him out. Is he fit? Is he funny? Is he musical? Yes. Yes. Yes.  Before I knew it, I noticed he was doing the same to my feed and a message landed in my VMs (DMs – yaa)

“You seem rad. Are you rad?”
“I’m pretty fucking rad.”

And that was it. It escalated very quickly, Ronald and I spent hours VM-ing, moved swiftly on to Snapchat and then the next day we had our first Facetime phone call. Ronald and I exchanged Whatsapp voice messages too. Due to the time zones we often missed the opportunities for phone calls, though I’d often get up at 5am to call him before work, but those little clips would brighten my day, just silly ramblings back and forth. We’d leave each other 300+ second long Snapchats stories showing each other around our home-towns and what we were up to that day. I was absolutely infatuated with this guy.

The conversation was intense. It was clear from the start that we didn’t see each other as just friends. Ronald sent me flowers via M&S (baby pink peonies) and I sent him a present too, we’d say goodnight and good morning and wish that we were with each other.  Things didn’t get particularly sexy at any point, in case you were wondering, Ronald admitted he’d thought about it but “didn’t want to be that guy”.  There was no denying the chemistry, even over an app, but I admired his efforts to remain a gentleman and frankly, this only made me like him more.

Two weeks later I booked a flight to L.A.

“I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait to hold you. Why do you live so far away?! You’re so beautiful. Your voice is beautiful. I want to squeeze you! I want to kiss you. I’ve watched that video like, a thousand times. <3 <3 <3”

No wonder I started falling for this guy. He had me in the palm of his hand and I, however fantastical it sounds, started to tell myself that this guy could be “the one”. The comments made it into the Vine community too and it wasn’t long before people were aware of “Gina and Ronald” and they bloody loved it. The only way I can translate the situation is to liken it to the latest pop star couple sightings in gossip magazines. It was no longer private and I wanted people to know that I was his girl. His Vine Girl, anyway. For me, the only caveat was that he lived a few thousand miles away, hey, maybe it would work though in some weird and wonderful way?

The journey to CA was long and I couldn’t sleep, I just felt absolute terror at all times and tried to dull it with gin. What the hell am I doing?! I discussed it with anyone who I came into verbal contact with, the poor couple sat next to me on the flight to Las Vegas just had me word vomiting on them for the duration. The connecting flight to L.A. was delayed, which only made my stomach even more sickly. This Waiting Game was getting a bit much. And that’s when Nicole happened.

Nicole sent me a little essay on Vine warning me that Ronald had been sending intimate pictures and videos to her, that they were planning to meet up and have sex after I returned to the UK. She wanted to warn me about the kind of guy I was about to meet. Naturally I was fucking mortified. I immediately sent it to Ronald asking for him to be honest, if he’d been “sexting” some girl then fine, you can fuck who you like, but be honest with me for fucks sake. “Oh my god Gina no, of course I haven’t! I wouldn’t do that to you. This silly bitch is just trying to ruin what we have.” Or words to that effect, I’ve deleted the conversation since. “OK. I trust you, we’ll not talk about it again.” And we didn’t.

The plane landed in LAX. I nervously made my way to baggage collection. And there he was. Stood, beaming, waving a little stars and stripes flag to welcome me.

“Oh my god, you’re real! You’re really here! You’re so pretty oh my god! Can I kiss you?”

Ronald was shorter than I was led to believe, he had a bit of a belly too. Which is fine. But the image I’d created in my head didn’t match up. After all, on social media you can be the very best version of yourself at all times. Physically, emotionally, musically even. You can re-record, re-type and re-word everything. But in “real life” you absolutely can’t hide anything. That initial meeting was always going to be a little strange, we both knew it would be, but the awkwardness melted away fairly quickly and we were soon driving back to the Mojave Desert playing each other music, conversation flowing.

Within two hours we’d pulled up on an isolated, dark road 2 minutes from his house.

No, we definitely weren't just friends.

Our time together in California was generally, great. I’m not going to go into details of the trip because that’s not what I’m here writing about. Ronald was incredibly easy going, I was 100% myself at all times and I say that with every confidence. He was very generous, very kind and absolutely hilarious- I laughed pretty much all the time. I’ve never been in love, but god I was falling for this guy. There was a tense moment when I was a little hungover and emotional in San Francisco and I started to let the crazy out. “I've not felt this way about a guy in, well, ever and you live in fucking California.” (In hindsight, perhaps this was an error but having said that, he let me fly however many thousand miles to meet him, so the boy had it coming, right?) I stopped thinking about it after he convinced me that “girls are like pancakes, pour syrup on them and it goes everywhere. You need to think like a guy, guys are waffles. The syrup goes into little squares and doesn’t overflow and get messy.”  This is where I started to get little twinges of doubt about how Ronald felt, but I “waffled” it away.

I left California feeling pretty miserable, I still genuinely believed that this guy could be everything to me and I simply didn’t want to leave him. After a few tears, lots of hugs and “arghhh!” ridden goodbyes I started the long journey back to Sheffield feeling tired and mardy. I had a long stopover at Heathrow, since there’s only so much you can do in the departure lounge for 5 hours I started overthinking things and decided to get back in touch with Nicole. “Why are you bothered? You two seemed to getting on pretty well?” she asked. Fair point, there’s that social media filter thing again. “I just need to know.” Sure enough she sent me a screenshot of their conversation, I swiftly forwarded this on to Ronald, feeling betrayed and pissed off. I gave him the opportunity to be honest and he’d lied. I can’t help but think that if he’d just been straight with me, I wouldn’t have let myself get so attached. “Oh dang, I know who that is now.” Oh do you now?! Ha. Brilliant! “I’m so embarrassed Gina, I’m so sorry. It never meant anything, it was just silly. I didn’t want to hurt you by admitting it.” Ugh, whatever Ronald.

The worst bit is that this isn’t even the thing I’m upset about. What hurt me the most was that upon my return home, the guy instantly stopped interacting with me on all social media platforms. No voice messages, no VMs, no snaps and definitely no phone calls. Correction, we had two calls, both of which involved me asking why he was being such a dick. Looking back it’s all so pathetic! I got so hung up on this boy who’d let me get so close, who had completely drawn me in only for him to drop me once he was bored. I even got my best mate involved to try and decipher what he was playing at, “I dunno what to say. I do this to everyone.” What kind of sentence is that? Argh! People are not disposable, they are not there to test drive or try on for size!

I don’t invest into people very often, I don’t make close genuine connections easily and when I do make them, they stay there for a long time. So for this one to evaporate without reasonable cause upset me a great deal, I was absolutely gutted. I still am to be honest, though I know he doesn't deserve my time or head space.

Ronald and I no longer speak and I still think that this is a massive shame. He’s still at it though. He’s continued to behave very similarly with another Viner and perhaps yet another and I can only assume he’ll keep doing it. Until someone cuts his beard off, then he’ll have nothing.  I really regret how I spent my time in California; I could have done so much more exploring and met other awesome people. All I can say is “lesson learned”. Don’t fly 6000 miles to meet boys you meet on the internet just because they say you’re pretty. 

The Dreamer

I can't quite believe it all ends tomorrow night. But since I began this blog with a very emotional piece on the initial split, a lot has happened. The Quarter Life Crisis reigns supreme but at the very least, there's some development in a few areas of my life.

I've been really lucky with my work situation, the gorgeous ladies at Britain Does Vintage have placed their belief in me to the point where I'll be with them in the office three days a week as well as taking on event days too. Out of, what feels like, nowhere and with zero qualifications, I appear to work in events and digital marketing as I have also nabbed an amazing position with an exciting local arts organisation. More on that to follow soon.

As for my personal life, well, I'll not get too involved but things aren't incredible by any means. I mean, my hair is a disaster. Never bleach your hair, just don't do it. My taste in men continues to baffle me to the point where I just don't know where I find them. Made some cracking Vines this week and gained a fair few followers (yes I care lots about this - do you even know me?) and I'm on day 3 sugar free with Revis, 21 days left to go. Oh and I'm moving to York at some point but I just can't do it yet. My gut says no.


My first fight was so awesome and I'll officially be training for my next one from next week. Farhad said tonight to a new gym member that "Gina has more bollocks than most men to get in the ring and fight." That was the nicest thing he's ever said about me. To be seen as one of the gyms' fighters is pretty cool, though I've got some hard work heading my way, that's for sure.

The Bobby Pins

Then there's music stuff. Loving my Bobby Pins girls. Think Andrews Sisters, close harmony stuff with less choreography (for now..!) really enjoying going back to my roots a little with some "proper" singing. Yesterday I gigged with Stoney who has made his return to Sheffield after a 7 year stint in the states, it was a shambles but hey, we did it. Looking forward to that developing and working with new musicians, Mark Stoney is ace and despite knowing him for less than 2 months feel I've made a friend for life. Then there's Sofar Sounds. It's really building up momentum with a strong team who are totally in love with music and the whole concept. December's show is going to be so ace you must sign up. Now Maldini were and still are the biggest and most intense musical project I've ever been involved with. Off the back of it I've recorded the theme song for a cartoon called Wakfu and been asked to be the guest vocal for a pretty big French electro band which is very exciting. Hope to tell you more about that soon.

I know, right?

Well Gina, it's all falling into place, right?

Kinda.

You see, there's this gaping hole. It lies at the pit of my stomach or the small of my back. Part of me thinks that perhaps I just need to get over the split and it'll go away, or get filled with career success, a loving relationship and a full function singing schedule and then I'll be satisfied. Last night I sat in my car listening to a live lounge on Radio 1. I'm never going to do that. I saw The Half Earth perform and thought, gosh he's good, he has a great year ahead of him. I don't. Oh but it's OK, you're playing with Stoney,you'll be gigging in 2015. But it isn't mine. As wonderful as everything I've already mentioned is, I'm not happy with it all. I'm not ready to accept that this is the end of my time as a singer, songwriter or performer in my own creative right.

I'm quite scared to admit this publicly, but there it is. The spanner in the works.

I think I'm turning into one of those follow your dreams types.

Here she goes again...

Yep. It's a body image post.

I'm post-first-fight-happy right now, so don't for a second think I'm sat here in floods of tears stuffing my face with cake. I'm not. But I've just seen the photos my Mum took and I'm so angry that my first thought was "God I need to lose weight" and not "I'm so proud of myself" or "I look really focused and my guard is tight there" or anything else positive or even relevant.

"God I need to lose weight" 

It just sums me up, I have the worst relationship with my body and it just isn't changing. I've written very openly about my self esteem issues and my disgusting yo-yo dieting and fitness fads. It's never been for attention, I'm not fishing for compliments here, I'm just talking very honestly about something that I think a lot of people can relate to hoping it might help someone. And I'll admit that plastering this all over the internet helps me too! I wrote a similar post a while back on my old blog here.

I'm just a little pissed off with myself for letting my weight be the first thought in my head. I've worked really hard for this fight, I get to looks at myself in action and all I can do is think about how fat my arms look. It's so sad. Especially because last night, I started to think about it in a different way. Before you can fight, you have to take a medical,  blood pressure etc and you must weigh in. I soon realised that these fighting guys throw about their numbers and just don't have any emotion attached to them whatsoever - it's just part of the sport, part of the training process not necessarily anything to do with you as a person.  In February when I'll be boxing again, I'd like to fight at 80kg and that's just going to be part of the deal. Boom. It has to be about becoming a better fighter and not about fitting into that dress, or making boys like me. Because Gina, that's the most pathetic thing you've ever publicly written down.

I've just looked through the photos again and I'm trying hard to see the good bits. So I urge you to do the same if you struggle with what you see in the mirror. And yes, feel very free to praise your image, but also say awesome things about yourself that are nothing to do with how you look. I felt low so I put the new Screaming Maldini track on repeat because dammit I sound GOOD. It's basic self love stuff int it? I say basic, it's the least basic task out there. Kendrick Lamar seems to have got it nailed though. Good for you mate.